The Consequences: The State of Colorado | Come on awesome Iowa
I know this column is usually reserved for some sort of recap / review of the last Hawkeye football game, but I’m taking a break from our regular programming to talk about something that’s deeply important. This is an issue which is deeply serious and concerns us all as Hawkeye football fans, but which has not been discussed for too long:
The Pancheros Burrito Lift is a complete embarrassment and should be stopped immediately.
Now maybe you haven’t had the chance to attend a Hawk Kinnick game in, oh, say, the last decade and a half, and you don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s a bummer overall for you, but on the bright side, you’ve been spared the experience of having to endure the worst marketing / stage âcheerâ in human history. At one point during the game, cameras will circle the crowd looking for willful rubes who awkwardly wave their arms in the air while on the Jumbotron they can be seen “lifting” (if you call a crappy graphic plug-in of a burrito moving asynchronously up and down (“lifting”) a giant sized burrito while the song “Pump It Up” by a nutcase named Danzel sounds obnoxiously through the speaker.
Now, before we go any further, none of this is an accusation of Pancheros as a product. I love pancheros and eat them every week. Like many of you, Pancheros is inextricably linked to my university experience. When I want to relive my more carefree years, I go in the evening to a Pancheros, I run into the parking lot a hundred times and I stay stunned at the back of the restaurant for half an hour, before ordering a burrito, fries and two portions of queso.
That this marketing sham denigrates something I love is part of what makes it so awful. If it was about promoting a product that I hated, I would ignore it as the J-piece that this product blows up pieces for. Instead, when I watch the Pancheros Burrito Lift, I wonder not only if Pancheros is really terrible, but if everyone and everything I have ever loved is actually vile and grotesque.
If you asked me what makes the Pancheros Burrito Lift so repulsive, I would start with the vanity itself. The point is to throw your hands up in the air, but lift them up like you really care about keeping that stupid burrito up. There is no narrative, context or purpose. It’s not like we have to lift this burrito to keep âQueso Jimâ from being crushed to death or something. It’s supposed to be some kind of irreverent, hedonistic fun to toss a rock-sized burrito up and down. This is not the case. Plus, if we’re being honest, this “Burrito Lift” is actually just the inbred cousin of “Raising the Roof”. “Raising the Roof” wasn’t cool in 1999 and has only gotten less cool over the past two decades.
Now you might be thinking here that simple movements can nonetheless create some fun rituals in the game, citing something like Wisconsin’s ‘Jump Around’. That’s a good point. Do you know the difference between that and the “Panchero’s Burrito Lift?” Â»A song that is not complete. “Pump it Up” has all of Aqua’s “Barbie Girl” charm with a fraction of its musical undertone and sharp lyrics. The only thing this song makes me want to bloat is my desire for early hearing loss.
If whoever created this monstrosity was determined to stick to their guns, why not go with Technotronic’s âPump Up the Jamâ? A song that’s really good, silly, and fun 90s retro? We know why. That’s because this song reportedly cost money as someone who works for Pancheros found Danzel wandering around Iowa City high and offered him a queso for a non-exclusive license to use his. music, and he gladly accepted.
There is nothing creative or entertaining about the Pancheros Burrito Lift. I hated him most of my adult life. When he gets to Kinnick, I stand there, scowling, thumbs down, judging the exercise and all the dope around me participating in it. In the Iowa City local election, I wrote in âPancheros Burrito Liftâ for the joy of voting against something I hated. It’s a dull, lifeless corporate nightmare built for the sole purpose of sucking the beauty out of life. Perhaps the most infuriating thing is that it would take so little effort to improve it. Literally almost anything would be better: a t-shirt cannon, âfreshly squeezed high fivesâ, âcheesy queso smile dopeâ, hell, even sprinkling the crowd with scorching queso would be better. Death at the Pancheros Burrito elevator.
Oh yeah, there was a game yesterday too. This game against Colorado State was disgusting, I’m glad it’s over and I don’t want to do a deep recap. CSU’s halftime lead was built in the first half over two short runs caused by an absolutely excruciating punt and interception and was fueled by a staggering 9/13 thirds conversion rate. In the second half, Iowa had an impressive turnover and punt return from Charlie Jones to set up two short touchdowns for the Iowa offense. The CSU to 3rd drop conversion rate returned to Earth and they achieved next to nothing offensively. Game over and good riddance outside the conference.
* I am at peace with Spencer Petras as game manager. It’s probably not enough for the college football playoffs, but it’s probably enough for a Big Ten West title. The interception was terrible, but the play call itself was worse given the few passing plays that Iowa is clearly comfortable running into the red zone. Outside of this game, Petras avoided turnovers and picked his spots, including some really nice deep balls.
* That said, Iowa’s offensive online play is poor enough that it can contain any Big Ten West title hopes. We focused a lot on Petras at the start, but the offensive line is the real Achilles heel of this attack and this team. The predictable and poised running game is insanely bad and that’s not Tyler Goodson’s fault. There are a couple of guys waiting for him on the line of scrimmage at each play. The opposing defenses will enjoy this offensive line. Brian Ferentz has to get creative really quickly because Iowa doesn’t win the Big Ten West with a YPC of less than two yards, even though they’ve had a stellar QB game.
* But this defense will keep Iowa in every game regardless and we’re probably heading for some mean, ugly, low scoring football games. After two weeks against the Big Ten East, a slew of bad quarterbacks await Iowa in the Big Ten West. In other words, if you pointed a gun at my head and asked me to pick the best QB in the division, I would probably say Adrian Martinez. Then I would probably ask you to pull the trigger anyway.
* Defense aside, the other bright spot is that the Iowa special teams are easily the best in the division. Even though Tory Taylor was beaten for one of the first times in his career (thanks to CSU punter Ryan Stonehouse, who was as good as advertised), Charlie Jones gave Iowa the special teams advantage. today averaging 16.5 yards on his four punt returns in addition to his solid kicking returns. Look around the Big Ten West and you will see several teams whose horrific special teams play are cement boots dragging their seasons to swim with the fish.
* Considering all of this, I have no idea what my expectations are for this team other than a stressful and hair-raising series of defensive fights. Iowa’s Big Ten West title hopes probably boil down to a few really silly plays in October and November. Hope these stupid games break Iowa’s path.